The past few years...

It's been a bumpy ride since I've moved to Utah. The highs have been very high and the lows very low.

I can't believe it's going to be eight years since I boarded the Amtrak train to come out here. I was alone with only my books and old MP3 player to keep me occupied. I felt like one of the pioneers packed to the gills with my clothing and other things that could fit into two pieces of luggage.

A lot has happened since I moved out here. I learned the hard way that not all Latter-day Saint men who served missions would be good to me and for me. In fact, I almost married a very toxic man. After that relationship ended, I took a couple of years to work on myself. I continued in my studies for my MBA, went on dates very seldom, and worked to better myself so I don't have to depend on a husband to support me. I also joined a community choir, Sterling Singers, and have been coming out of my shell that way too. I wanted to be in a good place for when Mr. Right came along.

When he did, I messed it up, and am scared that I may have missed my chance. I still have a ways to go. I just pray that I haven't messed things up with him.

Slan go foill...

Dating anxiety

Reflections:

I’ve never married. I hope to, and that’s why I went to a speed dating event the night before my birthday. I had fun just talking to different guys, and later dancing with a few of them. I made some decent friendships.

However, when I learned that I had two matches that came out of it, I was stunned! Amid my panic to not screw it up and come on strong, that’s exactly what happened! I almost had an anxiety attack over it yesterday.

I think I know why. I have a bad feeling that I was trying to sabotage it because of what happened to me years ago when I almost married an abusive man. I know not all men are like my ex-fiancé, and that I have a chance with a good man now.

I’m going to get a priesthood blessing this weekend so I can finish out my healing. I was able to get rid of one thing that I held onto that he’d given me, and now that I don’t use that item, it’s helping me in completing my healing.

However, I also firmly believe that the pressure that I felt was after a chat with someone about my matches. I was asked if I had gone out with either man.

Please don’t ask me that going forward. It contributed to the misunderstanding and my anxiety.

Thanks for reading. Slan go foil...