Something new, something different, and something I think I'm finally ready for...

Last week, I went out to the foyer after church in my singles branch. I thought I'd seen one of my guy buddies that I hadn't had a chance to talk with for a while since it is a HUGE branch and I sometimes don't get to see my buddies every week. So it was out to the foyer with me and I ran into the person. He turned around, and BAM!

It wasn't my guy buddy; but it was someone who's become special to me. His name is Bregg and he attends the singles ward that shares the building with the branch. He admitted to me that he likes attending the branch sometimes because it seems like we have more fun there. We started talking and exchanged contact information and we were talking until Kym came out from her choir practice and we could head back to Taylorsville and I could get back to my ward to help in Relief Society. The next day, I received a text message from him, and I called him back, letting him know that I had friended him on Facebook. He responded by saying, "Yeah, we can be friends. I hope we can be more than friends." That really threw me for a loop. Later that night when we were able to talk more, I admitted that I was interested in seeing where this was going to go. So far, things are going well, and now I'm thinking about what happened with me in the past, why I was skittish around guys and relationships.

The last time I allowed myself to get close to someone and he would put his arm around me, I would flinch and feel so uncomfortable. Of course, back then, I was still living in Muscatine, and probably dealing with some emotional residue from incidents that will remain unwritten. They're in the past, and they need to stay there because I think I've healed enough from them now. Friday night was proof of that.

Friday night, we went out and I was comfortable with him holding my hand, and being affectionate with me. And I think I know why now...

Back when I was younger, I was skittish because I wasn't ready; I wasn't healed enough. And because I'm now away from the places and things that triggered the fear, I feel like I'm finally ready to allow myself to get close to a man. I'm looking forward to seeing where this could go.

Slan go foill...

Shadows of the Past

Everyone has things from their past that they're ashamed. I know I do. And I have a lot of regret.

When I was younger (definitely pre-baptism), there was a guy in my life, and I will admit I was a bit of a brat to him. I'm old enough where I can admit accountability for it. But because of it, there were scars left on my soul that probably won't heal. And, I'm afraid to take chances with any man, even now with someone who will remain nameless.

I know I have the gospel and I am a daughter of God, but some old habits die hard. This person from my high school years is a dark chapter in my life that I will never repeat.

But I also know now that had I been raised a Mormon and had the knowledge of temple marriage and LDS dating, this person who was a dark chapter in my life would never have gotten a first glance from me. I wouldn't have gone so crazy and done and said stuff back then that will remain unwritten here. That's where my regret lies.

I know what Mama Gelder would tell me at this point if she knew what was going on in my head. She would tell me to not look back, to remember my worth as a daughter of God. I need to remember this.

Slan go foill...