Amid all the stuff that was happening to me with my emotionally abusive relationship (see previous post), I also ended up being dealt another devastating loss.
On August 22, 2014, I got a phone call from my brother that I never wanted to get: Dad was in the hospital and it didn't look good. It didn't take long for him to go downhill and he finally passed away three days later, on Monday August 25, 2014, the day before Mom's B-day.
Uncle Carlos later said it was because he wanted to be with Mom on her birthday, but I'm not so sure.
As I went through the stages of mourning, the denial, the anger (and I was pissed off big time!!!!), the bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance, I had to accept that my dad had issues and demons, and they ended up killing him. But that I can break those cycles in my own life, and I already am.
My dad was a heavy drinker, had been from the time I was alive, or possibly before. Alcoholism is rarely pretty. There were times when Dad was drunk, and then he'd say things that were degrading and verbally abusive. My brothers apparently endured a lot of that at his hands.
In a way, so did I, especially when I decided to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He HATED that. He always said that I was a Catholic; I was born a Catholic, baptized a Catholic, and would always be a Catholic. When he was drunk, especially as I became a mid-single adult, he'd ask when I was getting married. When I told him I didn't know, he'd say, "You're not getting any younger." He finally apologized for that, but I could tell he was tickled pink when I got engaged. I'm glad he didn't see the emotional abuse I went through to try to make one of his wishes come true and get married and settle down.
At least when Mom was alive, she kept him under control, especially with his drinking and smoking. When she died, he went downhill. It was like he didn't really care. He figured with my brothers and I leading our own lives, Dan in Bettendorf, Dave in Moline, and me here in Salt Lake City, UT, that we were fine.
I'm not really fine. Sometimes great things happen, like me starting my MBA Program at ITT Technical Institute and getting excellent grades, and then I want to call him, but then I remember that he's not here and I can't call him anymore. :(
What I am looking forward to doing, and I think it will bring about the ultimate healing for me, is having Dad's temple work done for him. I have a friend who can help me with that, and then I'll be sealed to my parents in the temple, as though I'd been born under the temple covenant. I have a feeling Dad will accept the work. My friend Kym once said that when he's on the other side of the veil in the Spirit World, all the alcoholism isn't there and his mind's clearer. Here's hoping he'll be receptive.
Slan go foill...
Friday, May 29, 2015
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Two years away, and life's lessons
It's been almost two years since I last posted in here. A lot has happened in that time.
My previous relationship ended...not with a bang, or a whimper, but rather a shrug. He wanted the benefits of a relationship, and not the relationship.
Which sent me into a relationship that I thought was a dream come true, but turned out to be my worst nightmare. We rushed into the engagement very quickly, and it was the beginning of an emotional roller coaster for me. It was also a red flag for an abusive relationship. There were other red flags that I kept ignoring until January of this year: he'd be hot and then cold; he wanted me to spend all my time with him; he wanted my likes and dislikes to mirror his exactly; he didn't like that I spent time with his family without him, like when he was at school or work, and he left me to my own devices when I was visiting; he also wanted me to agree with him on everything. He also wanted me to do things that were only appropriate in marriage before we were to marry. I refused of course.
That's NOT how I operate! But the straw the finally broke my back was when he took my phone and deleted his stuff off of it. What gave him the right to invade my privacy like that?!
The reason I'm putting this on my very public blog, is that I want to warn others the way someone in my ward warned me.
If there are any of the abovementioned behaviors happening in your relationship, it is NOT okay. You need to get out posthaste! I'm glad I did.
It also showed me that it's okay to be alone. It's better to be alone than to be in a relationship like that. If I'd married him, I would've become a shell of my former self and I would've been unequally yoked.
Slan go foill...
My previous relationship ended...not with a bang, or a whimper, but rather a shrug. He wanted the benefits of a relationship, and not the relationship.
Which sent me into a relationship that I thought was a dream come true, but turned out to be my worst nightmare. We rushed into the engagement very quickly, and it was the beginning of an emotional roller coaster for me. It was also a red flag for an abusive relationship. There were other red flags that I kept ignoring until January of this year: he'd be hot and then cold; he wanted me to spend all my time with him; he wanted my likes and dislikes to mirror his exactly; he didn't like that I spent time with his family without him, like when he was at school or work, and he left me to my own devices when I was visiting; he also wanted me to agree with him on everything. He also wanted me to do things that were only appropriate in marriage before we were to marry. I refused of course.
That's NOT how I operate! But the straw the finally broke my back was when he took my phone and deleted his stuff off of it. What gave him the right to invade my privacy like that?!
The reason I'm putting this on my very public blog, is that I want to warn others the way someone in my ward warned me.
If there are any of the abovementioned behaviors happening in your relationship, it is NOT okay. You need to get out posthaste! I'm glad I did.
It also showed me that it's okay to be alone. It's better to be alone than to be in a relationship like that. If I'd married him, I would've become a shell of my former self and I would've been unequally yoked.
Slan go foill...
Sunday, September 1, 2013
The Irish Colleen is in California
Greetings from California, Sylmar to be exact.
It's the first time I've been here since Mom died, and it's been a few months since my grandpa died, so it was time for me to go back and spend some quality time with my grandma.
It's been great so far. I've been to visit Grandpa's grave and paid my respects. I also had a chance to visit my great-grandma's grave (whose temple work is already done), and my great-aunt Rachel's grave. There's so much I can do in respect to their temple work. I can't wait to get started. :)
But, most importantly, I'm still doing the missionary work on my end. I've given a Book of Mormon to my cousin and her parents. I pray that some seeds are planted. That's all that I can do at this point.
Slan go foill...
It's the first time I've been here since Mom died, and it's been a few months since my grandpa died, so it was time for me to go back and spend some quality time with my grandma.
It's been great so far. I've been to visit Grandpa's grave and paid my respects. I also had a chance to visit my great-grandma's grave (whose temple work is already done), and my great-aunt Rachel's grave. There's so much I can do in respect to their temple work. I can't wait to get started. :)
But, most importantly, I'm still doing the missionary work on my end. I've given a Book of Mormon to my cousin and her parents. I pray that some seeds are planted. That's all that I can do at this point.
Slan go foill...
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Something new, something different, and something I think I'm finally ready for...
Last week, I went out to the foyer after church in my singles branch. I thought I'd seen one of my guy buddies that I hadn't had a chance to talk with for a while since it is a HUGE branch and I sometimes don't get to see my buddies every week. So it was out to the foyer with me and I ran into the person. He turned around, and BAM!
It wasn't my guy buddy; but it was someone who's become special to me. His name is Bregg and he attends the singles ward that shares the building with the branch. He admitted to me that he likes attending the branch sometimes because it seems like we have more fun there. We started talking and exchanged contact information and we were talking until Kym came out from her choir practice and we could head back to Taylorsville and I could get back to my ward to help in Relief Society. The next day, I received a text message from him, and I called him back, letting him know that I had friended him on Facebook. He responded by saying, "Yeah, we can be friends. I hope we can be more than friends." That really threw me for a loop. Later that night when we were able to talk more, I admitted that I was interested in seeing where this was going to go. So far, things are going well, and now I'm thinking about what happened with me in the past, why I was skittish around guys and relationships.
The last time I allowed myself to get close to someone and he would put his arm around me, I would flinch and feel so uncomfortable. Of course, back then, I was still living in Muscatine, and probably dealing with some emotional residue from incidents that will remain unwritten. They're in the past, and they need to stay there because I think I've healed enough from them now. Friday night was proof of that.
Friday night, we went out and I was comfortable with him holding my hand, and being affectionate with me. And I think I know why now...
Back when I was younger, I was skittish because I wasn't ready; I wasn't healed enough. And because I'm now away from the places and things that triggered the fear, I feel like I'm finally ready to allow myself to get close to a man. I'm looking forward to seeing where this could go.
Slan go foill...
It wasn't my guy buddy; but it was someone who's become special to me. His name is Bregg and he attends the singles ward that shares the building with the branch. He admitted to me that he likes attending the branch sometimes because it seems like we have more fun there. We started talking and exchanged contact information and we were talking until Kym came out from her choir practice and we could head back to Taylorsville and I could get back to my ward to help in Relief Society. The next day, I received a text message from him, and I called him back, letting him know that I had friended him on Facebook. He responded by saying, "Yeah, we can be friends. I hope we can be more than friends." That really threw me for a loop. Later that night when we were able to talk more, I admitted that I was interested in seeing where this was going to go. So far, things are going well, and now I'm thinking about what happened with me in the past, why I was skittish around guys and relationships.
The last time I allowed myself to get close to someone and he would put his arm around me, I would flinch and feel so uncomfortable. Of course, back then, I was still living in Muscatine, and probably dealing with some emotional residue from incidents that will remain unwritten. They're in the past, and they need to stay there because I think I've healed enough from them now. Friday night was proof of that.
Friday night, we went out and I was comfortable with him holding my hand, and being affectionate with me. And I think I know why now...
Back when I was younger, I was skittish because I wasn't ready; I wasn't healed enough. And because I'm now away from the places and things that triggered the fear, I feel like I'm finally ready to allow myself to get close to a man. I'm looking forward to seeing where this could go.
Slan go foill...
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Cancer sucks!
I hate cancer with a passion. Why can't it leave us alone?!
It's bad enough that it had to take my mother, but now it has to take someone as awesome as Tony Mulherin.
I first met Tony at a singles activity that was being held at his home in West Branch. He attended the Iowa City 1st Ward, which I later attended as well. And from what I can remember, he came from a similar religious background as me; being Catholic and then finding the gospel as I did.
I guess he's had cancer for a while, and then he took a turn for the worse. I'm still waiting for word that he's passed away. Either way, it sucks!
Godspeed, Tony. Say hi to my mother for me.
Slan go foill...
It's bad enough that it had to take my mother, but now it has to take someone as awesome as Tony Mulherin.
I first met Tony at a singles activity that was being held at his home in West Branch. He attended the Iowa City 1st Ward, which I later attended as well. And from what I can remember, he came from a similar religious background as me; being Catholic and then finding the gospel as I did.
I guess he's had cancer for a while, and then he took a turn for the worse. I'm still waiting for word that he's passed away. Either way, it sucks!
Godspeed, Tony. Say hi to my mother for me.
Slan go foill...
Monday, April 15, 2013
What is our world coming to?
I was at work today when my colleague told me that he got a text message from a friend of his saying that there was a bombing at the Boston Marathon this afternoon at around 3 pm local time. When I got off work later and had called my sister-in-law, she told me about it too.
What is this world coming to when someone decides to bomb an area where there's a marathon? What is this world coming to when some hothead decides to shoot up a school or a movie theatre? I want to know. I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!!
What's really sad is that one of the 2 fatalities was an eight year old child. :( I have a nephew who's just two years older than that and I don't even want to think about how I would feel if anything like that happened to him.
I'm more than just a bit scared, but then I remember the scripture: "Be still and know that I am God." I need to keep this in mind now. My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims.
Slan go foill...
What is this world coming to when someone decides to bomb an area where there's a marathon? What is this world coming to when some hothead decides to shoot up a school or a movie theatre? I want to know. I just DO NOT UNDERSTAND!!!!
What's really sad is that one of the 2 fatalities was an eight year old child. :( I have a nephew who's just two years older than that and I don't even want to think about how I would feel if anything like that happened to him.
I'm more than just a bit scared, but then I remember the scripture: "Be still and know that I am God." I need to keep this in mind now. My thoughts and prayers are with the families of the victims.
Slan go foill...
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Why I don't want to live in Iowa ever again...
There are a ton of reasons why I don't want to live in Iowa again. Sure, I could handle going back to visit, but to live there? No.
Here are some of the reasons:
No mountains! It's so flat there, and after living in Utah for almost two years, I'm used to seeing the mountains outside my window, on my way to places, and elsewhere.
No job prospects. Especially in my hometown of Muscatine, there aren't a whole lot of job prospects.
The "cliquish" attitude of Muscatine and other towns like it in Iowa. I had to put up with it for over 30 years; people looking down on me and mine because of where we lived. We were the poor Mexicans from the south end of Muscatine. I watched my brother get passed over in sports because of it. I suffered through it myself in choir and drama club because of it. Why would I put myself through it again?
No spiritual support. Even though I love them, my family is not very supportive of me spiritually. With Mom gone, I no longer have that buffer of support from her, at least on this side of the veil. And even though I have no family here in Utah, my friends, especially those in the Midvale Union Fort 9th Branch, more than make up for it.
So, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I can stay here in Utah for a good long time. I've gone from being an Iowan to being a Utahn at heart.
Slan go foill...
Here are some of the reasons:
No mountains! It's so flat there, and after living in Utah for almost two years, I'm used to seeing the mountains outside my window, on my way to places, and elsewhere.
No job prospects. Especially in my hometown of Muscatine, there aren't a whole lot of job prospects.
The "cliquish" attitude of Muscatine and other towns like it in Iowa. I had to put up with it for over 30 years; people looking down on me and mine because of where we lived. We were the poor Mexicans from the south end of Muscatine. I watched my brother get passed over in sports because of it. I suffered through it myself in choir and drama club because of it. Why would I put myself through it again?
No spiritual support. Even though I love them, my family is not very supportive of me spiritually. With Mom gone, I no longer have that buffer of support from her, at least on this side of the veil. And even though I have no family here in Utah, my friends, especially those in the Midvale Union Fort 9th Branch, more than make up for it.
So, I'm going to do everything I can to make sure I can stay here in Utah for a good long time. I've gone from being an Iowan to being a Utahn at heart.
Slan go foill...
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