Truth is the hardest tale to tell...

It is as the quote goes: "Truth is the hardest tale to tell, for each heart holds a different truth. This truth is held by mine."

I learned this the hard way I fear after attending an LDS singles conference with Kjersha last weekend in St. Louis, and after learning more in the aftermath...

I had met someone who shall remain nameless. We started hanging out and spending time together during said conference. We even danced together several times and I felt such an innocent pleasure in it. I was exhilerated that he found me beautiful and attractive.

And then the other friend and I go back home to IC, and I, having exchanged contact info with him, decide to wait before emailing him, not wanting to come on too strong. And I get busy with getting back to my own life, work and school. So he sends me an email via Facebook two nights ago that he had met a wonderful woman several months ago and that they were to be married in the spring.

Hence the quote to this entry, "Truth is the hardest tale to tell." Because he could've told me about his engagement before any flirting on his or my part went on. Instead, he flirted with me, and let me flirt with him. I was angry and I was very hurt. I had been used and abused, because he needed someone to make him feel good, and I was right there and lonely and vulnerable; I was reeled right into his web. I'm well on my way to being over it, and ready to write him off romantically, especially after finding out about some things that he'd done in the past.

Here's hoping that I don't get to the point where I trust no man, because that would be truly sad. I want to be able to give myself to someone special for eternity, but that won't happen if I can't trust any man. Right now, I must heal from this, which I am doing, and get on with my life; which includes preparing to go to the Nauvoo Pageant this summer for two weeks, and continuing on with school, as well as my goal to move out to Utah and be in the middle of Mormon country.

Slan go foill...

The true meaning of Christmas...and a delightful surprise exactly one week ago...

This entry is being done...in Bettendorf, where my brother and his wife live. I'm just staying at a hotel, one that I like very much. :)

Yep, I'm staying in the Quad Cities for the holiday. If the weather holds, I go home tomorrow to get things in order there, and prepare for next summer.

That's right, faithful readers! I did finish the process of applying for the Nauvoo Pageant for next year (finished it a couple of weeks before Mom died), and exactly one week ago today, I got the news via email.

I've been accepted into the pageant to serve in the Red Cast for next summer. It means I'll be going to Nauvoo at the end of June into early July. I was shocked to find out that I'd been accepted. It was the first time I'd finished an application and I really didn't think I'd be accepted. However, I've come to see that there's a reason the Lord needs me in Nauvoo during that time, so I'm going to be exercising some faith and work toward getting there.

It's also a little bittersweet, as is the holiday, because I imagined Mom still being here for it. I find myself wondering what it would be like to have Mom come down to Nauvoo for a couple of nights to see me perform in the pageant, have her do my hair up in the 1800's styles, have her around to call and vent about some difficulties in the rehearsal process that might come up. But I know it's not to be. Besides, knowing my Mom, she'll fight tooth and nail to be there in spirit.

Because we're dealing with our loss of her this year, it made me find the real spirit of Christmas and the real meaning. We're celebrating the birth of our Savior Jesus Christ and all He did for us, including dying on the cross so that we could be able to go back to our Heavenly Father. It also means family spending good time together, which is something I'm going to have to work on, since I'm not really big on the big family gatherings yet. It will take some time.

Beannachtai na Nollaig! Nollaig shona duit!

Slan go foill...

The start of a new term...and a devastating loss...

I survived my first term at Kaplan and am ready to take on the second, complete with two online classes...but Mom won't be with me, at least not in body.

She passed away a few days after I did my final exams. It was a blessing because she was in so much pain at the end. It was time for her to go home to her Heavenly Father, but I miss her so much!

In late October, she had taken a fall at home (a few days after I'd been there for the weekend!), and Dad realized that she could no longer be at home. As a result, we had her put in a nursing home in Davenport and there she stayed until she finally passed away. Dan, Dave, and I visited her when we could.

I love you, Mom, forever...

Slan go foill...

Well into the semester...and a visit home...

Two weeks down, eight more to go. Wow, in another two weeks, I'll be having my midterms.

I like my Arts and Humanities class. In fact, I've put together the format for my first paper so I can finish typing it where and when I need.

Business Law is pretty cool too, but not as much fun as Arts and Humanities. I am learning a lot about the law.

Dave and I went down to Muscatine to see Mom and Dad. She's already gotten things ready for the hospice care and the nurse does want to talk to Dan, Dave, and me. Perhaps when I'm not so bogged down with schoolwork and have a spare moment, we can go down and she can come over and answer the questions we have. It's a necessary evil, for sure, and it must be done.

Slan go foill...

Prying open the wounds again...

We finally got a time frame for how long Mom's going to be here. The doctors have said that she has six months to a year. She could've done some more chemotherapy treatments, but they would've been so debilitating that it just wouldn't be worth her while.

The plan is that she's going to stay home for the time being and have hospice care. There will be nurses who will come in and help her when needed. My brothers and I will try to get down there to visit when we can, but Mom's made it clear that she wants us to get on with our own lives. For me, that entails continuing with my education at Kaplan and working.

I have to keep telling myself that whatever happens the Lord is in it...

Slan go foill...

Embracing my inner Tomorrow Person

I was a fan of this show in the 90's when I was in high school and college.

Which One Of The New Series Tomorrow People Are You?

"Whatever happens, the Lord is in it..."

This quote came from the movie "Joseph Smith, Prophet of the Restoration" and it was said by Hyrum Smith when he and the Prophet Joseph Smith were preparing to go to Carthage. I've been saying this quote over and over in my mind because of some sad happenings in my life as of late.

My mother's been sick with cancer since last fall when I was preparing to move to Coralville. The only reason I didn't say anything on this blog was out of respect for her privacy, but now there's nothing left to lose.

The doctors have said that it's terminal now, but they didn't give her a timetable on how long she has left. For now, she's staying with me in Coralville so she can get to her treatments (she can't drive anymore so my roommate takes her.).

When I was told about the cancer getting worse earlier this summer, I was beginning my preparations for returning to college to work on my bachelor's degree. I had confided in a friend from the Nauvoo pageant about Mom because he'd met her before and I'd also confided the fears that she wouldn't live to see me get my degree. He said, "If you work hard in getting your education, the Lord will take care of your mother." This was definitely NOT what I had in mind!

I'm trying to be strong for her, but it's hard. Sometimes it hits me and I just want to cry and rage. I feel like I'm being cheated out of things that a daughter should have with her mom; like having Mom there waiting for me to come out of the temple after being married to my future eternal companion; or having Mom there when I have my first baby. My future spouse is being cheated out of his mother-in-law, and my future children are being cheated out of having their grandma here to play with them.

My "sister" Melissa has been telling me as of late that the Lord's ways are higher than our ways, and in His wisdom, all will be made right in time. I don't know how that can be. I guess it's time to start practicing some faith, and believe that "Whatever happens, the Lord is in it."

Slan go foill...