The past few years...

It's been a bumpy ride since I've moved to Utah. The highs have been very high and the lows very low.

I can't believe it's going to be eight years since I boarded the Amtrak train to come out here. I was alone with only my books and old MP3 player to keep me occupied. I felt like one of the pioneers packed to the gills with my clothing and other things that could fit into two pieces of luggage.

A lot has happened since I moved out here. I learned the hard way that not all Latter-day Saint men who served missions would be good to me and for me. In fact, I almost married a very toxic man. After that relationship ended, I took a couple of years to work on myself. I continued in my studies for my MBA, went on dates very seldom, and worked to better myself so I don't have to depend on a husband to support me. I also joined a community choir, Sterling Singers, and have been coming out of my shell that way too. I wanted to be in a good place for when Mr. Right came along.

When he did, I messed it up, and am scared that I may have missed my chance. I still have a ways to go. I just pray that I haven't messed things up with him.

Slan go foill...

Dating anxiety

Reflections:

I’ve never married. I hope to, and that’s why I went to a speed dating event the night before my birthday. I had fun just talking to different guys, and later dancing with a few of them. I made some decent friendships.

However, when I learned that I had two matches that came out of it, I was stunned! Amid my panic to not screw it up and come on strong, that’s exactly what happened! I almost had an anxiety attack over it yesterday.

I think I know why. I have a bad feeling that I was trying to sabotage it because of what happened to me years ago when I almost married an abusive man. I know not all men are like my ex-fiancé, and that I have a chance with a good man now.

I’m going to get a priesthood blessing this weekend so I can finish out my healing. I was able to get rid of one thing that I held onto that he’d given me, and now that I don’t use that item, it’s helping me in completing my healing.

However, I also firmly believe that the pressure that I felt was after a chat with someone about my matches. I was asked if I had gone out with either man.

Please don’t ask me that going forward. It contributed to the misunderstanding and my anxiety.

Thanks for reading. Slan go foil...

Pioneer Day

Today, back in 1847, President Brigham Young arrived in the Salt Lake Valley with his party of Latter-day Saints and said, "This is the place!" In 1846, the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints had left Nauvoo, Illinois because they were driven out, and they wanted to find a place where they wouldn't be bothered, and where they could worship as their consciences dictated.

Today, I'm watching a similar kind of persecution, only it's not happening to the LDS Church; it's happening to the Muslims.

Ever since the attacks on September 11, 2001, and more recent terrorist attacks, the Muslim backlash is horrible. Only one percent of them are radical and the rest are God-fearing and law abiding. Two of them are colleagues of mine. They are wonderful women, but one is afraid of wearing her hijab out and about, because she doesn't want to be attacked. The other one wears different head coverings, but for the most part, she'll wear her hijab.

But at the end of the day, they still have a right to worship as they see fit. That's what supposed to be great about our country. We have freedom of religion, but now it's been, "Yeah, that's fine, except for Islam, because of the terror attacks." That is NOT okay! It's bigotry in its ugliest form, in my opinion. I told one of my Muslim friends that if someone wanted to physically attack her because of her faith, then they'd have to go through me first. I mean it. I won't let anyone attack her because of her faith.

So as we in Utah commemorate the day that our Latter-day Saint forebears came to this valley to worship as they saw fit, let us remember the current modern-day pioneers who are here in this country to safely worship as they see fit, Latter-day Saints, Muslims, etc.

Slan go foill

I'm all about that bass, 'bout that bass!

With my illness, surgery, and recovery, I've lost a few pounds. I still have a ways to go before I hit the goal weight I want, for me, and not for any man.

What happened recently is that I met a man at my singles ward. He was 44, next to my 39. He seemed nice and a gentleman. So after our first date, which the majority of it was spent in the front seat of his car, talking, he messaged me, saying that he'd been having a great time getting to know me. He said I was so amazing, but for him to be romantically interested in me, I would need to lose some weight, and trade the churchy for sexy. He claimed to be saying this in love.

I was shocked, then sad, now, I'm ready to move on. I could be friends with him, but unless he has a major attitude adjustment, it would go no further.

My feelings are that I'd get fit for myself, and not a man. And as for trading the churchy for sexy: I talked about this incident on one of my singles groups on FB and what someone said has it succinctly: "That's trading the celestial for telestial."

With the Jordan River Temple closing for renovations in a few weeks, we were allowed to bear our testimonies. I felt the need to touch on my rough week because of this guy, and I added that I wouldn't trade my temple blessings for anything or anybody. And I will stick by that exactly. Nothing is worth spitting on those temple covenants, nothing and no one.

Slan go foill...

Health issues, surgery, and lovesickness...

So, a week or so after I was sealed to my parents, I had to undergo surgery.

What happened was that the week before the sealing, I started feeling sick. I had bad chest pains and was scared. But I was able to make them subside with medication, and the issue was under control...NOT!

A few days later, and a few days before the sealing, I woke up at 3 am, in severe pain, accompanied with some vomiting. That in itself scared the daylights out of me! One knew it was really bad when I couldn't watch my favorite show on demand, and ended up having to call in sick to work. I later called my health insurance provider and they recommended that I go to an urgent care facility, because it sounded like I was in a great deal of pain. I called my friend, Trish, and she took me to Insta-Care in Murray. Blood tests, EKG, chest x-ray all pointed to an ulcer at first, but the blood tests came back after I was released from Insta-Care showing that I had pancreatitis. Basically, it meant that my pancreatic enzyme levels, as well as my liver enzyme levels, were dangerously high. This can be caused by a gall bladder stone that can be blocking to the bile duct (ewwww!). The recommended treatment: surgery to remove the gall bladder to keep it from happening again. This was discovered when I had to go to Intermountain Salt Lake Clinic for an ultrasound. When the surgeon met with me later, he told me that it was serious, and could kill me if we weren't careful. So he had me take another blood test to see if my enzyme levels were back down. If not, I was going to have to be in the hospital that night. Thankfully, because of the priesthood blessing I'd been given the night before, blood tests showed that the levels were going back down. And then, I learned that my surgery was having a change of venue. It was because IMC wasn't in my insurance provider's network. As a result, I was referred to Salt Lake Regional Medical Center and had another surgical consult, as well as more blood drawn (I swear the hospitals are filled with vampires!!!!). But the tests came back with my enzyme levels back down to normal, so until that day, I was forced on a liquid diet. Couldn't stand it!

But once I was off the liquid diet, I was able to celebrate my sealing with two dinner outings. The first was that night; the second was a couple of days later, with a guy buddy that I care for deeply (and that's all I will say).

The day before the surgery, guy buddy and another one of my friends gave me a priesthood blessing to help me cope with the stress of the surgery and the strain it would have on my body. I was told in the blessing to be patient during my recovery. I suspect the Spirit told my friend that I had a tendency to do too much too fast during my recovery from illnesses in the past.

The day of, I went to the hospital with one of my Relief Society sisters and she and our RS president waited with me until it was time for me to go to the OR. They saw me all decked out in my gown, sockies, and surgical cap to protect my hair. I was wheeled away to the OR, had a mask put over my nose and mouth, felt a burning sensation, via the IV drip, and I floated away...

I woke up a little while later in recovery, with Lindsey, the RS president still with me. She stayed until I was released since it was an outpatient procedure. She then took me home, made sure I was fed and medicated before putting me to bed, and then she was texting friends and family, including the friend who'd given the blessing the day before, letting him know that I'd call him the following day, which I did.

The week of recovery was pretty uneventful. I was in a bit of pain and discomfort, and tried to keep up with my class, and did quite well, thank you! Something else happened during my recovery. I developed feelings for a man, the first man I've had feelings for since the abusive relationship. Sadly, for me, he just wants friendship. I still hold out a bit of hope and will continue to do so for a time.

Slan go foill...

Singles wards, Mom, Dad, temple covenants, and...the temple!!!!

It's been several months since I last wrote in here, but a lot has happened!

Since May, I've been attending a singles ward, and it's been awesome! I'm able to get there on my own, and I like the location. It has a lot of history.

Finally, in August, I was able to get started on my dad's temple work. The night before I did, however, I had an in-home accident. I was knocked silly, but not too terribly hurt after slipping and falling in my bathtub whilst taking a bath. It did shake me up a bit because I thought I was seriously hurt. A phone call to my friend, Tessie, helped reassure me that everything was all right.

I told her about my plans to have Dad's temple work started the following day.

Her response, "That's why this is happening."

She suggested that I verbally command the adversary to leave my apartment (which I did after we got off the phone), and then watching something that would distract me before going to sleep. It worked and I felt better.

The next day, I left work early and went down to the Salt Lake Temple where I was met by one of my guy buddies. It was great watching him do some of the ordinances on my father's behalf. The rest of the ordinances were finished later, and it was in October that I was finally sealed to my parents.

I really remember a lot of the obstacles that were in my way that week: work stress, homework stress and a final exam, and a nasty attack of pancreatitis caused by a gall stone that left me very ill and in a lot of pain. It was determined that I would need to have surgery to take care of it (and that's another story altogether!!!!). But with the power of the priesthood, and my own determination to follow doctor's orders, the surgery ended up having a change of venue, and could be postponed because my pancreatic enzyme levels had gone back down to normal (and when I got sick, they were sky high!!!).

The Spirit was strong when I went to the temple that day for my temple shift. I left early to be prepared for the sealing. When I came into the room, my friends were there. A few from my temple shift; a couple from my current ward; and several from my home ward; as well as other friends from work and other places. Some of them told me later that they could feel my parents close by and could see the peace on my face and in my countenance that it was done at last.

I have a strong testimony that the gospel is true; that temple work is important, and that if we are faithful, we'll be with our loved ones forever. Nothing is more important than that. And I say this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen!

Slan go foill...

My dad...

Amid all the stuff that was happening to me with my emotionally abusive relationship (see previous post), I also ended up being dealt another devastating loss.

On August 22, 2014, I got a phone call from my brother that I never wanted to get: Dad was in the hospital and it didn't look good. It didn't take long for him to go downhill and he finally passed away three days later, on Monday August 25, 2014, the day before Mom's B-day.

Uncle Carlos later said it was because he wanted to be with Mom on her birthday, but I'm not so sure.

As I went through the stages of mourning, the denial, the anger (and I was pissed off big time!!!!), the bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance, I had to accept that my dad had issues and demons, and they ended up killing him. But that I can break those cycles in my own life, and I already am.

My dad was a heavy drinker, had been from the time I was alive, or possibly before. Alcoholism is rarely pretty. There were times when Dad was drunk, and then he'd say things that were degrading and verbally abusive. My brothers apparently endured a lot of that at his hands.

In a way, so did I, especially when I decided to become a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He HATED that. He always said that I was a Catholic; I was born a Catholic, baptized a Catholic, and would always be a Catholic. When he was drunk, especially as I became a mid-single adult, he'd ask when I was getting married. When I told him I didn't know, he'd say, "You're not getting any younger." He finally apologized for that, but I could tell he was tickled pink when I got engaged. I'm glad he didn't see the emotional abuse I went through to try to make one of his wishes come true and get married and settle down.

At least when Mom was alive, she kept him under control, especially with his drinking and smoking. When she died, he went downhill. It was like he didn't really care. He figured with my brothers and I leading our own lives, Dan in Bettendorf, Dave in Moline, and me here in Salt Lake City, UT, that we were fine.

I'm not really fine. Sometimes great things happen, like me starting my MBA Program at ITT Technical Institute and getting excellent grades, and then I want to call him, but then I remember that he's not here and I can't call him anymore. :(

What I am looking forward to doing, and I think it will bring about the ultimate healing for me, is having Dad's temple work done for him. I have a friend who can help me with that, and then I'll be sealed to my parents in the temple, as though I'd been born under the temple covenant. I have a feeling Dad will accept the work. My friend Kym once said that when he's on the other side of the veil in the Spirit World, all the alcoholism isn't there and his mind's clearer. Here's hoping he'll be receptive.

Slan go foill...